12.15.2004
serendipity
Do you remember that day we met...?
It was a day just like this...
Serene. Warm. Yet empty.
I was walking down the street, looking down, undmindful of everyone and everything.
With the breeze blowing on my cheeks, I looked up into the sky. Sighed. Another day. And yet...I can't seem to continue on anymore. Tomorrow always comes, but it's always the same. Empty. Devoid of meaning. Lonely.
I sighed as I took my gaze off the clouds. And stopped walking to sit under a tree nearby. My secret place. Beside yours.
And then, I saw you. Standing in the corner of the old cathedral, waiting for someone.
Someone who would never arrive.
You never knew, and I never told you, that at that moment...I looked at you...and saw the same feelings in those eyes...
The same feelings as mine.
And I didn't feel as alone anymore as I used to be.
I found solace in the fact that...it wasn't only me who felt that the world seemed empty and meaningless, and that life was a harrowing journey leading to nowhere.
I watched you from afar, wondering if you ever saw me looking at you at all...wondering what you would do knowing that he will never come...wondering if you
really did feel the same way as I did...
And then you looked at me.
With tears falling from those eyes...those eyes which were so much like mine...
And you wiped the tears rolling down your cheeks.
And smiled. Bitterly but, still...
I smiled as well. A silent understanding.
After a few more minutes, you left silently, your dress billowing softly with the breeze.
And I left too...with a new feeling I've never felt before.
Somehow, this day did not feel like the rest...somehow, it was different.
The next day, I went again, to that place.
Again and again. For the next day, and the next, until I couldn't count the days that passed anymore.
And you were always there as well. Waiting.
And I would always watch you. Waiting.
It never occured to me to walk towards you and introduce myself. And I never really knew who you were waiting for in the first place.
You want to know why I always go to this tree...?
To hide. To run away from all the pain of the world that I couldn't take.
I don't know the reason why you always went to this place...but maybe our reasons are just the same.
But I found out why one day...
That day, I went to that place again. But you weren't there anymore. You weren't
standing in the corner waiting for someone to come.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I would always be alone. I was never the type that
approached people...I don't know why. I don't hate them, not really. I just...I
just couldn't open up myself to them any longer. The last time I did, I ended up getting hurt.
It's because...under this tree...I made a promise with someone. That we would wait for each other here...
And so I waited. Just like you did. But she never showed up.
And so I watched the sun set here every afternoon...waiting for her...even if I knew it was hopeless.
As time passed...it became a habit. And I lost my faith. In the world, in life, in love. And this tree became my refuge.
Maybe it was the same as your story...
And so I sat under the tree alone, glancing at the corner, wondering if that
someone you've been waiting for had finally shown up.
And as I did so, I heard someone's voice from behind the tree. It said, "I've
been watching you all this time. Wondering if you felt the same way I did. You
know, this place means a lot to me. I was waiting for someone here, but he never showed up. But then I realized...it wasn't him I had been waiting for all this time..."
At that moment...I knew. I knew that it was you who was talking.
And you did felt the same feelings that I did.
And your story was the same as mine.
I smiled. Maybe...this was all meant to happen after all.
"...You. I had been waiting for you."
And then, you reached out your hand, and held mine.
And I held it back.
And we stayed like that for the whole afternoon, watching the sun set.
Just two people who had spent waking hours waiting for the right one to come.
Two people who lost faith...and found it again.
And now that I have...I will never let it go.
--this is pure sentimental crap that barely makes sense. written earlier after listening to various Final Fantasy piano pieces. darn, I need coffee to sober me up. Now. =p
Reported @ 5:15 PM
12.14.2004
Declaration of Independence
...which is a pun by the way. go figure. :p
I am tired
Of being treated as if I am no better than the next person
To be treated like a good-for-nothing piece of trash
To be treated like someone who isn't human at all
I am tired
Of being used like a tissue and then be thrown away just as easily
To be used like some doll who doesn't have a mind of its own
To be used as a bandage to patch up the wounds of your heart
I am tired
Of being loved only because of what I have and what I have to offer
To be loved because there is no one else to
To be loved only to fill in the gaps left by those who have hurt you
I am tired of it all
And now I'm standing up
I am quitting this game
And you can't stop me and tell me I can't do it
Because I just did.
I won't be anybody's toy anymore.
Suffer your own misery alone.
--written way back last year, when I was pissed off at someone. I don't even know if this is a poem or what. You be the judge.
Reported @ 4:41 PM
12.08.2004
new layout...
This is the first ever layout that I made myself...
So even if it's not eye-poppingly amazing and there are some minor glitches, I'm very proud of it.
Although the picture is not shown fully, bec. of the blogger toolbar.
The whole caption written on it says:
Broken and lost
searching
for fragments
of a dream
falling
into eternity
an angel
without wings...
Reported @ 4:58 PM
12.07.2004
realization
Just when I thought I was over him...
I suddenly realized that I am not.
And that I was still hurting.
I loved him. I really did. With all my heart. Even though I knew how hopeless it would be. We would never see each other.
For he was just a lie. He didn't exist. He was just a make-up fantasy.
A fantasy too good to be true.
He said he loved me too. Maybe he really did. But that did not stop him from lying anyway. Lying about himself...about what he truly is. Although I knew that all that he said to me were lies...
Still, I can't help but fall in love.
And then...I thought of ending it all. I couldn't take his lies anymore. Even though I loved him, I decided it was time to let it all go...
I said goodbye. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. Pain of knowing he's there, yet he's too far away. The pain of knowing we will never even see each other, nor talk to each other in person...the pain of knowing that I loved him yet he still kept on pretending.
Of course, all he did was took the blame. And made me feel guilty by telling me that he really loved me, and that he had planned on meeting me all along...
And then...he...killed himself. Or at least tried to.
He's alive. Prentended not to be to get away...pretended again...until the very end...
I don't know...maybe he really did loved me.
And maybe it was my fault for being so narrow-minded.
Maybe everything that he has said was the truth after all.
Maybe...
But I will never have the chance to find out the truth. The real truth.
I had it all...I had him and his love...
But I let it go...
And now, I can't make the pain go away...
Although I try to hide it all inside...
I can't continue on doing it anymore...
It hurts even more when I try to.
And everyday, I'm reminded of how things were.
Of how things could have been.
But it's over now.
Here I am again...
Alone. Crying. Hurting.
Searching, dreaming, hoping.
For you.
After all this time, I still...
I still...
Love you.
Reported @ 6:15 PM
